Somewhere along the way, you decided something about yourself. Maybe it happened after a harsh comment from a parent, a friendship that fell apart, a failure that felt defining at the time. You probably don't remember the exact moment. But the conclusion it led to — "I'm too much," "I'm not enough," "I'm the kind of person who struggles" — has been quietly shaping your choices ever since.

These are what we call core beliefs. And most of us are living inside them without realising.

How core beliefs are formed

Core beliefs aren't formed through logic. They're formed through experience, particularly early or emotionally intense experience. A child who is repeatedly criticised doesn't conclude "my parent is struggling." They conclude "there is something wrong with me." That interpretation gets stored, repeated, and eventually becomes invisible — not a thought you think, but an assumption you live inside.

The problem isn't that we form these beliefs. That's entirely human. The problem is that we rarely update them, even when the evidence around us has changed completely.

The belief shapes the evidence

Once a core belief is in place, the mind becomes highly selective about what it notices. If you believe you're fundamentally unlovable, you will register every moment that confirms it and unconsciously discount every moment that doesn't. You'll explain away the compliment and replay the criticism. Not because you're irrational, but because the mind is wired to seek consistency.

This is why you can receive ten positive pieces of feedback and one piece of criticism — and the criticism is the one you carry home.

What it looks like in everyday life

Core beliefs rarely announce themselves. They show up as: a reflexive apology before you've said anything wrong, a persistent sense that you're about to be found out, a pattern of choosing relationships or situations that somehow always confirm the same old feeling.

When a client tells me "this always happens to me," one of the first things I want to explore together is the belief sitting underneath that "always."

You can update the story

The narrative isn't fixed. With the right support, these early conclusions can be examined, challenged, and gently rewritten — not by forcing yourself to think positively, but by going back to the moments that created them and giving them a different ending.

That's work I find genuinely meaningful to do with people. Because the story you tell about yourself is not a fact. It was written under pressure, by a younger version of you, with limited information.

You are allowed to be the author now.

🌿 Something to try this week

Finish this sentence honestly, with the first thing that comes to mind: "Deep down, I believe I am ___." Then ask: how old does this belief feel? Where did it come from? You don't need to dismantle it today. Simply noticing it — putting it in front of you rather than living invisibly inside it — is the beginning of something.